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Are You the One for Me?: Knowing Who's Right and Avoiding Who's Wrong, by Barbara De Angelis
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Finally--the book you've been waiting for to help you find and keep the right partner and make love last. Best-selling author and renowned relationship expert Barbara De Angelis reveals everything you need to know about compatibility and shows you how to create the fulfilling relationship you deserve whether you are-
Married, and wondering if you could be happier.
Single, and wondering how to avoid another wrong partner.
In love, and wondering whether your partner is the right one for you.
with powerful advice and groundbreaking techniques that have helped thousands of people transform their lives, Dr. De Angelis will show you the formula for creating love that lasts, and help you to understand yourself and the one you love as you never have before. Discover:
How to avoid making the biggest mistakes in love.
The six essential qualities to look for in a mate.
How to spot fatal flaws in a partner.
How to create the sexual chemistry you want.
The compatibility formula to make your relationship work.
- Sales Rank: #34849 in Books
- Brand: Dell
- Published on: 1993-06-14
- Released on: 1993-06-14
- Original language: English
- Number of items: 1
- Dimensions: 6.85" h x 1.27" w x 4.18" l, .50 pounds
- Binding: Mass Market Paperback
- 448 pages
- Great product!
From Kirkus Reviews
The bestselling author of Secrets of Men Every Woman Should Know (1990) and How to Make Love All the Time (1987) now dissects bad love choices. Quizzes, lists, and anecdotes render De Angelis's sensible material in easy-to-swallow morsels. Early on, readers are asked to make lists of past lovers' worst qualities and then to write a want ad for a partner, highlighting the common themes (``WANTED: Self- absorbed, damaged loser who has lots of potential and is doing nothing with it....''); and possible roots for these perverse attractions in the childhood family experience are then explored. Readers count off ``the seven wrong reasons to be in a relationship'' (from ``sexual hunger'' to ``emotional or spiritual emptiness''); ``nine fatal flaws to watch out for in a partner'' (addiction, control-freak tendencies, sexual dysfunction); seven compatibility time-bombs, etc. Although the majority of the text deals with negatives, going on the theory that recognizing self- destructive habits is the major step toward overcoming them, De Angelis comments briefly on the attitudes and flexibility necessary for change. Those unsure of whether to commit may value the elaborate self-test offered here, leading to a numerical assessment of compatibility. Given a tolerance for lists and comfort with an approach that precludes subtlety, readers with histories of unhappy relationships may gain insight from this solid, well-organized advice. -- Copyright ©1992, Kirkus Associates, LP. All rights reserved.
Review
“Solid, well-organized advice.” –Kirkus
From the Publisher
Finally -- the book you've been waiting for to help you find and keep the right partner and make love last. Best-selling author and renowned relationship expert Barbara De Angelis reveals everything you need to know about compatibility and shows you how to create the fulfilling relationship you deserve whether you are-
Married, and wondering if you could be happier.
Single, and wondering how to avoid another wrong partner.
In love, and wondering whether your partner is the right one for you.
with powerful advice and groundbreaking techniques that have helped thousands of people transform their lives, Dr. De Angelis will show you the formula for creating love that lasts, and help you to understand yourself and the one you love as you never have before. Discover:
How to avoid making the biggest mistakes in love.
The six essential qualities to look for in a mate.
How to spot fatal flaws in a partner.
How to create the sexual chemistry you want.
The compatibility formula to make your relationship work.
Most helpful customer reviews
12 of 13 people found the following review helpful.
Cheating is a character flaw, too
By Elisabeth
The author's main advice for finding a good mate is concentrating on good character rather than a good personality. Good advice, however, in the 4 examples below, she forgets it.
EXAMPLE #1 - Lenny
Lenny says he married Krista because of family pressure. After 20 years of marriage, he has 4 affairs, and explains, "It's not that I didn't love Krista. But I wasn't ready to marry her, or anyone."
The author reacts by saying, "Lenny had robbed himself of a chance to experience love and happiness." However, in another section, she had said, "People who frequently bend the truth may have a 'life isn't fair' attitude, and they consider dishonesty a strategy for getting an advantage." She adds, "In other words, something is inherently wrong with their value system."
Lenny revealed his "life isn't fair" attitude by blaming family pressure for getting married. He also revealed his inherently wrong value system by using cheating as a strategy that robbed HIS WIFE 20 years of love and happiness. So Lenny didn't love Krista as claimed and marriage wasn't his real issue.
Instead of focusing on Lenny's character, the author focuses on his good personality. She says, "I watched Lenny weep like a frightened little boy, and felt so much empathy for this man." But Lenny wasn't a little boy. He was an adult who played the victim card because it gave him an advantage.
EXAMPLE #2 - Daniel
Daniel cheated on his wife, Elsa, because he perceived her as too needy. He claimed to have an "inability to break [his wife's] heart" but felt trapped, saying, "If I did what would make me happy, leave, it would kill her." So, "four days later, [he and Josie] ended up sleeping together."
So Daniel didn't think cheating would break his wife's heart? Or that leaving would only kill her, but not cheating?
The author says her "heart hurt for Daniel" because she saw "genuine anguish in his eyes". However, in another section, she had written, "[Those with a victim mentality] would rather you feel guilty by looking upset and hurt than lose your sympathy by confronting you with their true hostility."
And that's what Daniel's "anguished eyes" were all about.
She also says, "How did Daniel get into this painful situation? He allowed himself to be motived by guilt rather than by real love." However, if Daniel felt THAT guilty, he never would've cheated because his guilt -- being his greatest motivator -- would've stopped him. So he really cheated because he cared more about making himself happy than in breaking his wife's heart. He then avoided accountability by saying "we ended up sleeping together" rather than owning that deliberate decision.
So once again, the author focuses on a good personality over good character.
EXAMPLE #3 - Carlos
Carlos cheated on his wife, Wendy, with her sister, Stacie. While Wendy was on a business trip, she had him promise to have Stacie over to cook him dinner. Carlos claims he protested, but Wendy insisted. He adds, "I know I was wrong to cheat on my wife, but am I wrong to want to have a good sex life?"
If Carlos protested at all, I doubt it was that hard. He wanted Stacie there, but instead of admitting that, he blames his wife for pushing them together.
His apology is insincere, too. Whenever someone starts with "I'm sorry, but..." whatever follows that "but" is the truth. Carlos says his cheating was wrong "but" wasn't he entitled to good sex? It's that very entitlement that kept him from being truly sorry.
Carlos admits he was never sexually attracted to his wife and from that admission, the author concludes that if you, too, don't marry someone you're sexually attracted to, "you'll make yourself prone to sexual infidelity" and will one day "wake up...and find [yourself]...in a complicated affair."
I highly doubt Halle Berry, Elizabeth Hurley, Eva Longoria, Denise Richards, Sandra Bullock, Reese Witherspoon, Jennifer Aniston, Erin Nordegon, and Uma Thurman were cheated on because their partners were never sexually attracted to them.
People cheat on those they're sexually attracted to and those they're not, so lacking sexual attraction doesn't cause cheating. Lacking good character does. This message is irresponsible and like Daniel, passively stated. Saying you'll wake up and find yourself in an affair implies you played no part in making that happen, when you did.
EXAMPLE #4 - How to respond to 2 cheating situations
This last examples involves what to say if a married person wants to start an affair with you....or if already involved, what to say to them.
If already involved, you're to say:
-- "I love you very much, but what we are doing is not healthy for anyone, and I love myself too much to let myself be treated this way. I can't see you anymore. If you leave your partner, call me and let me know."
While it's good to advise ending an affair, the reasoning is self-involved. There's a short acknowledgment about this being unhealthy for others, but mostly it's centered on ME and MY mistreatment. The bigger mistreatment, however, is duping an unsuspecting spouse. Playing accomplice to this cruel game should be the main reason to end an affair.
If not involved, you're to say:
-- "I care about you very much, but I have a rule. I never get involved with someone who is with another person. If you leave the relationship, please let me know."
Again, it's good she's advising against affairs, however, the wording implies this person is still a catch, but they're not. If you're the one pulling the brakes, it means this person lacks the self-control to do that themselves. And by seeking an affair, they're also revealing a disrespect for marital boundaries, a belief that deception solves problems, and an entitlement to bend rules to their advantage.
Why would you ever want this person to call you?
In a different section, the author had written, "When you find a partner who's irresponsible, you have, in a sense, stumbled upon a child in an adult's body. Loveable, perhaps even sympathetic, but certainly not ready for an adult relationship." Good advice. Too bad she can't see how these seemingly lovable and sympathetic people are too irresponsible for an adult relationship.
3 of 3 people found the following review helpful.
Priceless Concepts Never Taught in High School
By Rainer Remagen
This book is far better than the one written by her ex-husband, the book WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS, MEN ARE FROM MARS. One can be making the same stupid mistakes from failed relationship to failed relationship and wonder why there is not a relationship that will last. The book has a good first section requiring the reader to do a self-analysis and discover a repetitive pattern that may be keeping one from success in relationships. What works and does not work in dating another person is covered thoroughly by Barbara De Angelis. This book so helpful and useful, I gave a copy of it to a female friend who was going through a divorce. She read it and gave a copy of it to a friend of hers who was engaged to be married. This other friend followed the guidelines and wisdom presented in the book, and realized that she was in a toxic relationship, not one that would be successful, and called off her engagement and wedding. One more person who learned many things and will not end up in a divorce court. This book is great for helping one make better choices in relationships and fewer mistakes. It is not about how to fix the other person, but analyze and change me, the reader.
6 of 6 people found the following review helpful.
This book changed my life.
By Renee C.
The only reason it wouldnt do you any good, is if you dont have an open mind and you are not willing to look into yourself and better yourself.
I had so many epiphany's while reading this book....I had to put it down every few pages to reflect....I learned so much about myself and why I date the same kind of guys, and why I keep trying to help out emotionally volatile people...and I am not even more than 100 pages into it! My therapist didnt even get this far with me (and I started seeing him solo after my ex and I broke up...we were seeing him together)....its ridiculous how quickly into the book I was able to identify my pattern.....and the first step to changing things, is to identify what needs to be changed, and why you do what you do. Now I can learn to recognize it before I do it. I cannot save my mother from her unhappiness. I could not help her when I was a child and she took her unhappiness out on us girls... And I cant save other people from their unhappiness....I cant change people, even if my actions are to help only. I AM TO NICE. Some people are going to wallow in their misery no matter what sunshine I bring into their lives. This is my journey, and I am in the process of changing that about me. And she is right....our childhoods do program our personalities, and its our choice to reprogram it. We can make who we are. I had always known my childhood affect my relationships....I just didnt know how....or what to do about it....
I have read a few really good books about changing thoughts, which change emotions, which change actions....and this is by far my favorite one. I am far better of a person, and far more happy because of it. I have bought several copies and I hand them out...along with the book "Why men love bitches" I believe these are the kind of books and lessons that should be taught to every teenager. I would be far more successful and self assured if that had been the case.
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